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The real me was anxious to change in a women's locker room-I'd shimmy my underwear on under a towel. Autumn was the person I wished I was-playful and soft and adventurous unafraid to show off her body. I was the light to her dark, like a sparkly fairy. I'd wear a little pink bikini with my naturally curly blonde hair and frosted lipstick. Raven wore red stilettos and danced to heavy metal. We'd play off our friendship in our acts. She was just so damn talented-a strong, stunning performer who did gymnastic moves on stage. There were all of these young, rugged, handsome, rowdy boys-some from the nearby military base, some construction workers from the lower 48.Įven though Raven wasn't a local girl, she quickly became the top dog at the club. The town had a lost-souls vibe, like people came there to find something, or escape something. You can see a mama moose just walking with her baby along the highway. Anchorage kind of looks like any other city, but Fairbanks is pristine.
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The Showboat's manager, David*, picked Raven and me up at the airport in a giant blue Cadillac and took us to the club, this enormous cabin in a pile of dirt. We arrived in Fairbanks in the summer, when it was light almost 24 hours a day. "There were stilettos and cigarette butts tossed all over the floor-it was an act of rebellion for these girls not to clean up their stuff, like I do what I want." Nobody at home knew what I was really up to. I made it sound like a cabaret-a fun, glamorous performance. I told my family that I was going to be a showgirl in the wilderness. She'd been dancing there during the summer for a year. Then Raven invited me to go with her to Alaska. They just told me to leave and never come back. I hid under the sink in the bathroom, but officers found me. One night, Mexican immigration busted the club and arrested the American girls who didn't have work visas. We went down to Tijuana several times a week. I used most of it to pay some of the parking tickets, but spent a little on a hot new lipstick, too. I don't care if I don't know what to do I'm going to make everyone in here love me. In that moment, I realized, I'm not going to fall. I had that desperate desire underneath to be wanted and validated.
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Once I felt the lights, something broke through: I'd danced and done theater as a kid, and suddenly I remembered the thrill. I wore her outfit and her shoes-which I could barely walk in. I watched her dance, studied her from every angle. She was everything I felt I wasn't: sexually desirable, magnetic, cocky, self-assured, a badass. She said, "Take a shower and get your shit together." That night we drove 45 minutes to Tijuana, where she'd been working as a stripper. She'd been my best friend since eighth grade.
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What do I do? I went to the only person who could understand my situation: Raven*. It was all happening at once: the boyfriend, the job, the car, the money. Then my boyfriend and I broke up and I lost my job at a record store and my car was taken away because I had been driving on a suspended license, and I kept getting parking ticket after parking ticket. That's when I quit cold turkey and started going to NA meetings. I looked in the rearview mirror, saw my blackened eyes, and realized I was going to die. It felt like a message-that life was bigger, fuller than this.
#IM IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER WHEN WAS IT MADE CRACKED#
One day I was sitting in my boyfriend's car the window was cracked open and a beautiful red leaf drifted through the window. Somehow, in my 14-year-old mind, meth was a great diet drug. I started using meth at 14-my parents were divorced, my grades and self-esteem were in the toilet, and my weight seemed like the one thing I could control. (Image credit: Courtesy of Valerie Hager)